Welcome to Boobs and Oreos

This is a blog about the insanely average lives of Taylor Smith and Cody Kaufman.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Mom, please read.

   WHERE DO I SIGN UP???? Not for me, for my mom. She's getting to that age and I'm already deciding weather or not if I should put her in a home once my dad kicks the bucket. So if my old lady doesn't get her health up, off to the old folks home she goes. No questions asked. Mom, this basketball league is your one chance you have to be a free independent lady. The choice is yours. Love you mom.

On a serious note, doesn't my mom look like she's in her 20's? Prettiest mom in the U.S. But more importantly, how cool was my Beiber hair and flip flops a couple years ago? Pretty damn cool if you ask me.

-Cody

WEEEEE.

   Today was just a great ass day. Slept in and skipped half of school, took the pup to the dog park, powered through what I missed during the second half of the day, got to work, boss gives me a raise and says I was his best employee, got a $10 tip, worked an extra hour, makin some more pesos, saw a ginger with a mullet rapping to a Lil Wayne song (absolutely KILLED the verses), and topped off the night with some Taco Bell. The absolute worst part of my day was waiting in the TB line for 10 minutes. I wish that was the worst part of my day everyday. Also, if anyone knows how, I think we should get Taco Bell to sponsor Boobs and Oreos. If that happens, I will gladly change the name of our blog to Boobs and Tacos/Boobs and the Bell/Tits and Tacos/Boobies and Baja Blasts etc. Taco Bell, get at me.

-Codeine.

For your Mondays.

   Happy Monday errbody. Hopefully this picture of me will make you a little more of a happy camper. I grew up with 2 sisters and I know they both wanted a third one. So they did what any sisters who didn't want a brother would do. Turn me female. They would constantly dress me up in their clothes and put make up shit on my face. Pure child cross dressing at its best. Even though I look like I'm the happiest person in the world in this picture, trust me, there was pure hatred and embarrassment behind that freshly powdered layer on my face. But hey, I wasn't a bad looking girl, so theres a plus.

P.S. I think my girl name for my sisters was "Abby". I don't know, I think I look more like a Claire.

-Cody

Sunday, April 29, 2012

GOOFTWATS.


   About a month ago we were suppose to be writing some bull for one of our classes. I think it was suppose to be a story or something. Anyway I thought it was pretty stupid, like most things we do here at the Creative Center, and just wrote a bunch of insults and future names for my kids. Heres the list you Shrimpticklers. 

-Cody. aka Benjy Snatch



Best Coast-The Only Place

One of the top ten records of the year. Much better than their last album and her singing has improved a million times over. It's already getting praised all over the blogosphere and music forums. It's a great abum. Take a listen to this if you like indie, dreampop, and/or are a hipster girl.


-Taylor

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Black Panther.

   Today at work was just like any other day, delivered furniture all around town listening to these FM headphones and shooting a cap gun, saw an armless guy riding a electric scooter, had 2 cops called into the shop because of a nut job customer. Basically the stuff that happens on the reg. But then, the bossman tells me and my coworker that he's sending us to do a repo job today. So we head down to good ol' north Omaha into this rundown apartment building, take all of their furniture and crap, and I spot a pile of garbage. Nothing unusual for this type of apartment. But under this pile of clothes and rubble, I see a broken panther statue...
   I asked the landlord if that little number was going with us and he said "Well I was just going to throw that table away.." Uuuuuuuum a table?? Is this guy completely oblivious to how cool this thing is? Its a freakin panther table. Not just a panther statue. A table. Straight pimp material. Now the guy I'm with also doesn't see the potential that this table has and tells me to leave it. Heart dropped. Dreams shattered. Boner now a softy. But then out of nowhere this sweet angel of a landlord tells me he'll leave it for me after I get off work. Boner, skywards.
   So yea, I am now the proud owner of a black panther coffee table. Just needs a little TLC. But I guarantee you that you don't have one. And yes bragging is allowed in this situation.

-Cody


 

Friday, April 27, 2012

A story from Mike.

   I've already introduced you to Mike aka @Shit_Mike_Says_, our one friend from school. But I forgot to tell you he is a writer! Here is one of his stories he wrote about me...
C.

Friday Wife. Gabriella Cilmi.

   I've just decided to start a weekly thing. The Friday wife. These are women who I would wife immediatly without even getting to know them. Aka megababes. Anyway, this first one goes out to my Australian girl, Gabriella Cilmi. Ever since I saw her music video for 'Sweet About Me' I was instantly in love. She's a solid 10 with a great voice. And theres one more little thing thats not a big deal at all.. She follows me on Twitter. NBD. Now there is literally hundreds of thousands of unreal pictures of her on google, so I suggest you take a gander. Also, her videos and music are just as good. Had to throw that one in there. One love Gab.

-Cody


Tunes for Goons pt. 3

   Yes I'm still sticking with rap. Every now and then I'll jam to The Killers or some old school My Chemical Romance, but I always end up right back listening to good ol' rap muzic.
-Cod.

Ces Cru-Thantos
Notorious BIG ft Lil Wayne-Lost Boys
Ja Rule-Parachute
Julius Myth-Nightmares

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Beibs.

   November 16, 2011. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was with a few guys hitting up Taco Bell. Now Taco Bell is THE greatest fast food chain on this planet and anyone who disagrees can suck a fatty. But on that night, my love for TB almost burned to the ground. No not from the food, from the service. I order my regular, a cheesy gordita crunch and a beef nacho cheese chalupa, no tomato, extra shredded cheese. Anyway I get my order and head over to the pop machine while Taylor and the other guys order. All of a sudden I hear giggling. I look over and they're all staring at me.
   I asked what is so funny and thats when the cashier says it. "Oh I was just telling your friends you look like Justin Beiber.." Now if a girl said that, she wants it and its a total compliment. But when a guy says that, its a huge insult. He might as well have just kicked me in the balls and called me Martha. But what came next was worse. He calls all of his employees over to look at me, telling them one by one, "Tell me he doesn't look like Justin Beiber!" Then, to make matters worse, they all started singing 'Baby' at me. I was gang banged with humiliation. I immediatly walk over to my chair, looking down at the floor in shame. But this guy decides to take it one step farther. The cherry on top. He calls out the name on my receipt, but it wasn't Cody... The prick crossed out my name and put 'The Beibs'. Who does this to someone? Who publicly humiliates someone like that? Obviously a low life TB employee that goes by the name Nicholas D.

-C.



Gnar.


This video is a few months old, but nothing has changed. Gnarly hates me.
-Cody
This video might not be suitable for children.

URGENT.

   To the 5 people who actually look at this blog, I need your help. Im just your average poor white college student who needs a couple things. I don't want these, I need them. And I have like $4.17 in my pocket. So heres the list of things I need and if you would like to donate anything of these things, send them to Cody Kaufman at 11255 Evans St. Omaha NE 68164. If you send me any of these I will give you a very special shout out and a limited autographed picture of yours truly with a photoshopped picture of your face over my friend Taylors. We'll look like were bffs or some shit.

-Razor Scooter
-Bow and arrow
-Metal BBs
-Gas mask
-Metal detector

No questions please. Thank you!

-Cod.


Meet the Pros.

   This is Taylor. He loves screamo. He loves satan. He loves depression. His motto is "life is pain." How depressing is that shit?? His hobbies include "skateboarding," even though he can barely do an ollie, art, if you consider writing 'satan' over and over on pieces of paper art, and listening to shitty metal bands. He's a hipster but will never admit to it, typical hipster move. I honestly don't know why I'm friends with him... I think I'm his only friend. But everyone needs a friend so I guess thats what I'm here for!
-Cody<3

   Cody. Fatty. Stupid idiot. Look at this freak. What a dirtbag. The Justin Beaver look was never cool. And those pedophile glasses just ain't cuttin' it ya dingus. Kill yourself scumbag. I don't understand how anyone could enjoy life when they look like this turd. And Tech Nine, who the heck listens to that crap? I bet he goes home everyday after school, locks himself in his room, has a good cry and listens to Tech Nine and Insane Clown Posse. We all know Tech Nine is a Juggalo. Can't hide your true colors ya freaks.

-Taylor

Wiid.

   About a month ago, St. Patricks day weekend to be exact, I was in Lincoln visiting family and friends. Now I was born and raised in Lincoln, Nebraska until recently moving up to the big O to go to this purgatory of a school we like to call the Creative Center. Any who, I'm in Lincoln and get a call from ye ol' sister saying I should come to this party for St. Patty's day downtown. I go to the party, party was fun, get home, fall asleep, blah blah blah. The next morning is where it gets interesting.
   My mom decides to put the sheets I've been sleeping on into the wash. Typical Sunday afternoon for most moms, but boy was she in for a surprise! She takes the sheets out of the washer and out falls a little baggy with a nug of weed. Immediately, she calls me downstairs and does what all moms do when they find something, "Whats this Cody? Are you smoking pot? You can tell me. Just be honest. Is this yours? Just tell me." I didn't know what to tell her. It really wasn't mine and I had no idea how it got into my bed considering I only wear boxers when I sleep. So I gave her this huge speech about how its not mine and she ended up telling me she believed me. She easily didn't believe me. I mean how could she? Im a teenager who goes to an art school. She probably thinks I take LSD and meth just to get a little buzz going each morning.

   Mom, if you're reading this, its not my weed. Also, that cocaine in the drawer, not mine.......


-Cody

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Friends

Just cause I want some more posts on here, here is something completely irrelevant for most of you. Probably all 25 of you that have read this will not enjoy this or care at all, but I don't care about you at all. Here are some friends' bands. They work hard and are talented dudes.

Purgatory, from Lincoln. I did the tape cover and shirts that they have coming out soon. 
www.purgatoryhc.bandcamp.com
www.facebook.com/purgatoryhc


Bad Vibes, from Omaha. Newer band from town. 
www.facebook.com/pages/BAD-VIBES/131340863631317

I would add more, but I don't want to type anymore. 

-Taylor

Tunes

Welllllll.....here's some of today's tunes. Mostly what I listened to in the car going to work.

The Animals-House of the Rising Sun. A classic American song covered by the Animals. No one knows who originally wrote this song, but it is known by almost everyone. It's a great one.
M83-Graveyard Girl. Not a classic, but it's a great one. Electronic shoegaze stuff. This whole album is good. Singing about goth girls and stuff, y'know, the usual.
The Spits-I'm Scum. The Spits are amazing. Ramones inspired punk rock from the Northwest corner of the states. They've got five records out and they're all untitled, but fans have started calling them The Spits-1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. This song is from The Spits 5. And I'm scum.
Nothing too heavy today, it was a good drive with some catchy tunes. 

-Taylor

Wut.

   Today I was out doing more furniture deliveries for my work. Every time I do one I seem to either be in a weird situation or see something amazing. Today I saw something amazing. Something so amazing my jaw literally dropped. It was a ghetto Asian kid, like one from Gran Torino, with a blowout haircut. If you don't know what the blowout is, its the ridiculous Pauly D hairstyle. Now this wasn't any ordinary blowout, It was, and I'm not joking when I say this, over a foot tall. When I drove past him everything went into slow motion. We made awkward eye contact and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt scared/happy/confused/angry/lost faith in all humanity. You know the feeling. But yes, I witnessed something more rare than bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster. A ghetto Asian kid with a footlong blowout just walking his bike on the sidewalk. This one needs to go down in the books.

-Cody

P.S. This brings up something I've always thought should be invented. A contact with a camera in it. If I could take pictures of everything I saw, you guys would flip.

P.P.S. This picture of Adam Lambert is the closest thing I could find that looked like the kid. 

Dearest Cody,
is this what you are describing?

-Taylor

Thats exactly what I was looking for.

well there's more where that came from- https://www.facebook.com/bombhair

Like I said in my last post.

   Just got off school a few minutes ago, got in my car, and naturally started playing really loud rap music. Like I said, I'm pretty sure there's a big black man inside me... Um. Anyways, I start playing and rapping to Three Six Mafia- Stay Fly extremely loud, turned the corner, and theres 2 huge black guys just staring at me. The Boys in the Hood stare. Then thankfully they just busted out laughing and nodded a friendly nod. Does that make me feel cool or feel any more black than I already do? WELL DUH. You idiots.
-Cody

Tunes for Goons pt. 2

Honestly I think I'm a big black man in a tiny little white boys body. I don't know what it is about rap that I love so much, but I can't get enough of it. But I don't like just any rap. It has to be actual music. Not Soulja Boy singing about raping me through the phone or whatever that songs about. Anyways, enjoy.

-Cody
Tech N9ne ft Aqualeo- Ugly Duckling
Macklemore-Kings
Aqualeo-Lu Cypher
Mayday-Strange March

I'm a prick.

   There's this lady who lives in the same apartment building as me. She lives on the basement level. The other day I was walking in with my dog Gnarly. Gnarles is the nicest dog on the planet, and possibly even this universe. Anyways, I walk in and this lady is standing at the top of the stairs. She completely froze up when she saw I was walking the this beast. I opened the door and Gnarly being her cute little curious self goes to smell this lady. The lady freaks out, jumps back, and pretty much falls down a few stairs. Smh.
   So today I go home to get lunch and take Gnarly for  a stroll and as I'm walking down the stairs I realize she's standing at the top of the stairs again. Immediatly she freezes up as if she was looking death in the eyes. So what do I do? I go out and hold the door open for her. I knew she wouldn't come out, but me being a prick bastard kid, thought it would be funny to play dumb and act polite. She just stood there looking at me and waited for me to leave for a good 30 seconds. I never saw her come out the building so I assume she just snuck out the back. Now I get how people can be scared of dogs, but man up. I got her on a tight leash. If she even tried anything I'm not just gonna sit there and watch her maul your face off. I mean just look at this pup.
Does that look like the face of a killer?? Didn't think so.


-Cod.

Shit_Mike_Says_

We have a friend here at the Creative Center. Yes 'A' friend. His name is Mikael, and he is secretly a genius. He would say these smart things so often that Taylor and I decided to make him his own Twitter account. We called it Shit_Mike_Says_. Now this was before all those "shit ____ say" videos went viral. Yes I know, I sound like a little hipster girl. Anyways make sure you follow him for a good laugh! Here's just a taste. https://twitter.com/#!/Shit_Mike_Says_










Questions.

   We just had to fill out a 68 question paper for our communications class. I seriously hate this class more than anything at the moment. It physically, mentally, and emotionally rapes me. Pure rape. Anyway here are a few of my favorite answers. The teacher better take them seriously.






-C Dollaz.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Kissing Parrot.

   Now I know this video is a month old, which in internet time means its like 5 years old. But I can not get enough of this parrot. He wants a kiss, so he goes for it and gets it. Maybe I should live my life more like this parrot. Just go around, ask every girl if they want a kiss, and if they don't say anything kiss the shit out of them. Worth a shot right? Now, I own a quail. Yes I know its rad, but he's no kissing talking parrot. I love you but LEARN TO TALK MARK.

Skateboarding

Here's a classic. Wade Speyer. Loved Slayer. Had Slayer graphics on his boards. Killed it. If you so much as claim to enjoy skateboarding and don't appreciate this, you are dumb. And you probably don't skate, and you probably ride Razor scooters, and you're probably a terrible human being. 


151 Skateboards. One of the better companies from the 90s. Neil Heddings was a 90s skate legend. Skated hard and skated fast. 


Thrasher's Skatepark Roundup videos are awesome to watch. This is one of my favorites. Has their new guy Ryan Reyes in it and he is pretty good. Probably one of the best new guys to look out for. Keep it hesh.


There you go. Watch it. Live it. 

-Taylor

Bank Robber

In Iowa there was always a guy with Downs syndrome hanging out at the park or at shows. He was older, about 28, he never told us his real age, and was one of the funniest dudes you'd ever meet. Genuinely cool person. He rapped and rode around on a red tricycle. It was his thing. One night a few of us are out skating. It's around 10PM and we go hit up a ledge spot at a bank and we see his trike sitting out front of the bank. We go see what he's doing out at the bank this late. He's wearing a cape, some sort of devil mask and his tongue is red. He had stolen a box of candy from the gas station a little bit earlier and was now "trying" to break into the bank with a socket wrench. Knowing he wouldn't make it in, we skated this ledge and had fun. There you go you nerds, have fun. Live life dangerously, stab someone.


-Taylor

Fishing

I walked into the apartment complex's office today and the first thing I see is a lady sticking her hand down the back of her pants. She was definitely fishing for something, but sadly she wasn't wearing her fishing hat. Better luck next time.

-Taylor

R.

   Recently I did a logo for a local rapper here in Omaha named JaSoulo. Now my 2 favorite things in this world are art and music. Mostly GOOD rap music. So doing this logo for him was perfect for me. If you know me, you know I'm pretty much obsessed with Tech N9ne. So last year when I got a hold of his people and they used my face paint design for his tour, XXL Magazine shoot, and Monster Energy Drink commercial I nearly exploded.
   Through Tech, I heard of this rap group named Aqualeo. Instantly loved there music and instantly followed them on Twitter. I talked with them, they followed me, we messaged each other, I made a logo design for them, they loved it and now they're going to be using it! Once I see it on their work, I again, will explode.
All you rappers out there reading this, HMU.

-C.


P.S. Heres Jasoulo, with my logo at the beginning. Take a listen!

Tokyo Drift

   Today I wasn't suppose to work. But thank GOD I did! I saw something unbelievable. Something only of legends. A middle aged Asian lady riding a Harley-Davidson... Take a moment to let it sink in... Now this lady was wearing just a regular helmet, one that didn't cover her face. So my question is, wouldn't you wear a full face helmet if you were an Asian lady? Like does she not know her own stereotype? I don't know, but what I do know is if I was that lady my face would've been covered. Bold move lady.

-Cody

Tunes for Goons.

Just listen and enjoy.
Antwon-Helicopter
Aqualeo-Monkey See
Odd Future-Rella
Mayday-Badlands

Crackheads.Work.Crackheads.

    The other day, I was doing business like usual, sitting around my work doing squat. A white lady comes in with her black "son?" Anyways he's being the normal 5 year old and being annoying as shit. So what does she tell him? "If you don't stop being so annoying, I will crucify you." You know, regular mom talk. At first I thought that was a little harsh to say to a little kid, but then I look over and he is pulling a woman mannequin's shirt off. Squeezing. Poking. Even got a little lick in there. So I'd say the whole crucify talk was totally fair to say to him.
    So this lady goes on and grabs a bunch of clothes from our clothing section and wheels her cart over to the bathroom where you're suppose to try the clothes on. Instead, this skinny looking crackhead lady decides to strip down and try clothes on right then and there. Nothing but a bra and thong in the middle of the store. My boss and I look at each other in disgust. She tries on this dress and wants one of us to "zip her up." The boss man turns to me and says out loud "Im not touching that." Cant blame the guy, she was as ugly as sin. Anyways I reached out and zipped her up, quickly, and got the hell out. Neither me or the boss had balls to tell her to try on the clothes in the bathroom like a normal human, so we call over her "son" and tell him we'd give him a sucker if he told his "mom" to go into the bathroom. Worked like a charm. I still have my eyesight and he got a sucker. Win win.

-Cody

First Post.

This blog is about the insanely average lives of Cody Kaufman and Taylor Smith. Buckle up ya'll. Shits getting real.